RAD

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Someone wrote a comment and brought up Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). Never heard of such a thing before. After reading that definition above, I thought wow. I may have a real diagnosis. Sad but oh so terribly true. I always thought that on some level, there is a personal underlying issue as to why I cant find that love I am forever seeking. Its easier to blame the other person for just not loving me enough, rather than to look inward at how screwed up emotionally I may be. Recently, I found myself reconnecting with another old flame. This one was as far back as high school. Oh so many years later, and instantly I found myself feeling the same pangs of love for him that I knew so long ago. Yet once again I found myself on the pages of rejection as he told me day after day how horrible marriage is, how terrible relationships are and how he doesnt want children. But I continued to steal any moment of time I could get with him, in hopes that he would love me or come to love me enough that all that would subside. It didnt.

I wish I could break this cycle. I am almost ashamed at how many times I thought I felt love. Thought I was in love. Thought I would die without that person. There is a hollowness that never gets filled. And like an addict I go out seeking the next love fix. Something to fill me up, to numb the lonliness for a moment. I need another high.

Been a minute…

 

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Wow its been quite some time since I last posted. No I am not in love. Far from it actually. The deeper side of me still seeks it desperately but I am spending more time focusing on other things and other people. I have come to believe that in order to heal ourselves we have to begin by looking outward rather than inward. When I looked only inward, I couldnt help but focus on myself and every inch of pain I was experiencing. By looking outward, I allow my pain to heal others, hence this blog.

Lately I spend my days surrounded by work, friends and family. When the lonliness creeps in, I go by my parents house and sit a spell. I stay until the lonliness subsides. I spend more mental energy thinking about my relationships to other people outside of a romantic relationship. I focus on how to better supervise people at work, how my smile can impact a random person’s day, how others are dealing with their own levels of pain, and what can I do to help them through it.

The nights are still quiet. The bed still hollow. But the days arent as long. I understand now there is a purpose to the silence. I need this time to explore who I am and how I impact the world. I heard as well all have heard, I will never be able to love another person until I learn to love myself first. I am working on the self-love portion. That is harder than ever loving another man.

So dont think I have forgotten you. I am still here. Still part of your struggle. But now I see the light at the end of the path. And I welcome you to still walk with me. There is still a long way to go.

The Love Addict.

Lesson #4: Sex without love hurts

 

This lesson is for those precious few that want to be in love in order to have sex with someone. I am not sure how most people now-a-days can have sex with no attachment and no after-thought. I called myself trying to “have sex without emotion” but dammit I feel into the ditch again. I have a habit of thinking I will feel one way, only to know I will actually feel another way. I hadnt had sex in over 4 months, since my last relationship. I had resisted other men because I wanted to be in love before sleeping with anyone else. But recently my ex-boyfriend started contacting me, so I decided that I would just give in to my emotion and ride the wave. So I allowed him to come over and spend the night, but the first night I was resistant to him to, I knew that he wanted to but I didnt want to make it so easy. So the next day, I asked just the right questions so that he would want to see me again. It worked, and I went over his house that night. Well low and behold we end up having sex, great sex at that, and then the next day I hear nothing but silence from him. Havent talked to him since, and yes I have reached out to him. I even made mention of it to him and he is response was, “Dont do that”. Thanks buddy.

 I always wonder how I continually allow myself to be so stupid. I am so desperately in seach of love and acceptance that I deal with stupid shit like this. So it is my conclusion that “Sex without love hurts”. Doesnt hurt the body but demolishes the mind!

Suicide is tempting

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Lesson #3: Suicide doesn’t rid you of lonliness.

This topic will be a grim one so FOREWARNING! But it is something that must be addressed. The purpose of this blog was to be honest and bring home the perils of being a love addict. I wish I could write about how my recovery was a smooth one. How step by step I got better and better. But then I would be deceiving you like I deceive everyone else, and well with this blog, I promised not to do that.

Since all my relationships have gone downhill, the thought of suicide has crossed my mind one too many times. Not to say I havent thought about it in the past, but this time it seems ever present. This may sound weird but I feel that the Devil is using my biggest weakness against me. Mind you I have been successful in many other areas of my life, and my love life is the only area that pains me the most. I think the Devil has put on the full court press to get me to end my life, because he knows I can do a lot of good. Now some of you will think I have lost my cotton-pickin’ mind right? But I believe the Devil is real, just as I believe God is real. There is such a thing as spiritual warfare and I believe I am in the middle of one. But back to what I was saying……

Thoughts of suicide have taken over my brain. I am a very contemplative person so I have given a good amount of brain power to figuring out ways to commit suicide. (No intervention needed folks, I am just being honest). I believe I will never carry it out, but I am truly tired of thinking about it so much. I find myself driving over tall bridges and thinking about people jumping off the sides. Me jumping off the sides. Would it hurt? What if I jumped and I didnt die? How embarrassing…to not complete what I started. I have thought about pills, hanging myself, cutting my wrists and bleeding out, etc. I know….graphic and crazy right? Can you believe that there are websites on the internet that will tell you in detail how to kill yourself? I couldnt believe it! They tell you what pills do what, what the side effects might be, what might happen if you dont take enough, etc. I was floored. There was one website that showed you pictures of how to kill yourself. AMAZING! You can find anything via the internet today.

But my biggest reason for not committing suicide is fear that I will be unsuccessful and then everyone will know how pathetic I am. If I kill myself then it wont matter if they think I am pathetic or not. Then there is the fear of eternal hell. If I think this is hell on earth, then I am in for an even worse fate. They say that when you commit suicide that is your definite sentence to an eternity in hell. Now why would I want to exchange one pain for one much worse!

Still doesnt erase all the tears I have cried over the last week. I cry when driving, cry when showering, cry when eating, cry when walking….it doesnt matter. I am thinking maybe I need to seek some counseling for this. Its okay to not do this alone. I had hoped that my friends would be of some support, but it seems they have bailed on me more than ever. People only like to be around positive people, so I can understand why those going through tough times tend to retreat and become depressed. Cause there is no one there to say, “I still love you”.

King David — “I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long. …I groan because of the turmoil of my heart” (Psalm 38:6,8 – NKJV).

We all fall down…

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Lesson #2: When you fall down, cry for a sec, then get your butt back up!

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Matthew 11:28

So in true addict fashion, I succumbed to my addiction last night. In the midst of all that “reaching out” and “contacting” others, I fell into the trap of what I like to call the ex-boyfriend syndrome. Yup…I contacted my ex-boyfriend to “befriend” him and the conversation started off rather well until…….until I said, “So is it to late for company?” (mind you its 10:44 pm), and he’s response was, “Yeah, maybe another night.” At that moment, the brick so swiftly hit me in the face, and I was brought back to reality. I just overstepped the boundary again.

Now that was the moment of reckoning right? When I could have reeled it back in, but ohhh nooooo. Instead, I kept pushing. And all of a sudden, I was in full swing addict mode. Question upon question to him trying to figure out why he no longer loved me, how could he so easily stop loving me, why didn’t he want to see me, didn’t he miss me? And it went on and on and on until finally I think God put me to sleep to stop my madness.

I felt so out of control. The years preceding this, I had slight signs of an approaching addiction. But I just thought I was a regular girl looking for love. But as time passed, the obsessions got stronger and stronger, and well now, they just overwhelm me. When, what I like to call “A Love Storm” sets in, there is no stopping the whirlwind of obsession that follows.  Love Storms are like thunderstorms….you can see them coming across the skies…clouds approaching swiftly and strongly. The darkness slowly sets in, the wind picks up and scatters things about until the first heavy drop descends from the sky. Once drop becoming 2 becoming 3 becoming an all soaking, completely drenching experience. Thunder claps in the background, lightening sends shock-waves of electricity through the air, and everyone runs for shelter. This is how I feel when rejection has set in. This is how I feel when I am lonely. This is how I feel when no one responds.

And once the damage has been done….the Love Storm moves on, leaving the surroundings in shambles. Leaves scattered, everything soaked and sticky. And then we must wait until it all drys up.

At first I was hard on myself for falling backwards. I seemed to make so much progress in the beginning of yesterday. But yes, I fell backwards and that’s okay. I recognize what happened, and all I can do is stand up and try to walk forward again.

Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.
Helen Keller

Lessons are hard to learn

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Lesson #1: Learn when to let go. 

Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 1 John 2:15

I cried and cried and cried last night. Cried till I my eyes were swollen, snot ran down my face, and I sucked air like a lil child after a tantrum. I cried because the overwhelming feeling of rejection made me sick to my stomache. A recurring theme lately in my life, rejection has surfaced in every way when it comes to finding love and connection. Desperation almost. A feeling of lonliness and nothingness. I wanted the feeling gone.

I prayed and prayed and prayed to my God to take it away. If he loved me, take it away. If he wanted my sanity in tact, then take the pain of rejection away. Why would God treat me this way if he loved me? Why would he allow others to treat me this way if he wanted my happiness? I cried myself to sleep, cause it felt like he couldnt answer me.

Today….I wanted to wipe them all away. Wipe away every person that rejected me. Wipe them clean from my life and pretend they no longer existed. Then yes, the pain would go away. But only technically. The memory of their rejection would always linger, like heartburn, reminding me of what made me sick. I was determined that I would forget them all, put them in the cave inside my heart, the one that seemed to be getting deeper and wider…I would just place them there in the darkest crevice and wait till the rejection faded into an abyss. Yes that was what I would do.

But then….I realized. I need to do the opposite of what I was feeling. I need to befriend every person that was hurting me. Yes, they couldnt love me in the manner I needed them to but what kind of person would I be if I just chose to not love them back. I would be no better than they are. No different. I refused to let them feel what I was feeling. Well not that they really cared I dont think but for my personal healing, I had to do something different.

So with that, I made contact….with each and every one of them. I made contact. I contacted and contacted until I was blue in the face. I opened myself up like a book and said here, read the pages. The only thing that was necessary for me to do was to maintain the friendship boundaries. That will be the hardest part. People fall easily backwards into what is comfortable, so it was going to be my responsibility to make sure that FRIENDSHIP was all that occured. And I know that I will succeed because I will remember each tear that fell from my cheek, and I will know that they brought that pain upon me. So allowing them to get closer than friendship would be like tying the noose around my own neck.