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Lesson #3: Suicide doesn’t rid you of lonliness.
This topic will be a grim one so FOREWARNING! But it is something that must be addressed. The purpose of this blog was to be honest and bring home the perils of being a love addict. I wish I could write about how my recovery was a smooth one. How step by step I got better and better. But then I would be deceiving you like I deceive everyone else, and well with this blog, I promised not to do that.
Since all my relationships have gone downhill, the thought of suicide has crossed my mind one too many times. Not to say I havent thought about it in the past, but this time it seems ever present. This may sound weird but I feel that the Devil is using my biggest weakness against me. Mind you I have been successful in many other areas of my life, and my love life is the only area that pains me the most. I think the Devil has put on the full court press to get me to end my life, because he knows I can do a lot of good. Now some of you will think I have lost my cotton-pickin’ mind right? But I believe the Devil is real, just as I believe God is real. There is such a thing as spiritual warfare and I believe I am in the middle of one. But back to what I was saying……
Thoughts of suicide have taken over my brain. I am a very contemplative person so I have given a good amount of brain power to figuring out ways to commit suicide. (No intervention needed folks, I am just being honest). I believe I will never carry it out, but I am truly tired of thinking about it so much. I find myself driving over tall bridges and thinking about people jumping off the sides. Me jumping off the sides. Would it hurt? What if I jumped and I didnt die? How embarrassing…to not complete what I started. I have thought about pills, hanging myself, cutting my wrists and bleeding out, etc. I know….graphic and crazy right? Can you believe that there are websites on the internet that will tell you in detail how to kill yourself? I couldnt believe it! They tell you what pills do what, what the side effects might be, what might happen if you dont take enough, etc. I was floored. There was one website that showed you pictures of how to kill yourself. AMAZING! You can find anything via the internet today.
But my biggest reason for not committing suicide is fear that I will be unsuccessful and then everyone will know how pathetic I am. If I kill myself then it wont matter if they think I am pathetic or not. Then there is the fear of eternal hell. If I think this is hell on earth, then I am in for an even worse fate. They say that when you commit suicide that is your definite sentence to an eternity in hell. Now why would I want to exchange one pain for one much worse!
Still doesnt erase all the tears I have cried over the last week. I cry when driving, cry when showering, cry when eating, cry when walking….it doesnt matter. I am thinking maybe I need to seek some counseling for this. Its okay to not do this alone. I had hoped that my friends would be of some support, but it seems they have bailed on me more than ever. People only like to be around positive people, so I can understand why those going through tough times tend to retreat and become depressed. Cause there is no one there to say, “I still love you”.
King David — “I am troubled, I am bowed down greatly; I go mourning all the day long. …I groan because of the turmoil of my heart” (Psalm 38:6,8 – NKJV).
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